Tiny Little Windows

No matter how hard you try, it creeps up on the best of us. No matter how much self-talk, positive vibes or habitual happy dances, it finds a way in.

Change. I've always been a believer, a follower, an arms wide open hugger. That doesn't make it any easier. It's tough to walk the walk and talk the talk. It's tough to focus on blessings when you begin to loose you.

Maybe it's the lost that makes it tough. Maybe it's the possibilities of both paths. Maybe it's simply the unknown. Maybe all the running in the world can't make it go away, point us in the right direction or mimic the voices we want so badly to hear in our heads....

It's going to be ok. Yes, yes it is. But, what if it was going to be better down that other road.

How wonderful is it to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. I've never been good at goodbyes. I hold on. This makes growing pains linger. This makes my running shoes happy.

If we stay, physically or emotionally in one place for too long we stop growing. We give up on ourselves. We pretend to live.

The trouble with goodbyes is you can't hold on to the window you already jumped out of.

Do you follow the moon? Odd, yes. One of the first encounters with my new co-workers. I thought California was a bubble. It's spread with a nicety. Would someone just yell, hell I'd take a stern tone or a judgmental gaze.

Fear.
Regret.
Let. Go.

How about you tell me how those words provoke that part of the brain pushing on your heart.

The truth is, it hurts. Miss Independent can try all she wants, but she can't gleam independence forever. The trouble is we all think we have time. Thank you, Buddha.

The give and take. The thought of regret. The war. The inner debate only you can hear echoing.

With the wise ancient words, constant affirmations, endless positive spews glistening over spoiled resentment creeping from every angle, knowing if it was you or them taking that leap of faith is terrifying. Strength used to come so easily.

They say music soothes. Repeated lyrics trance the multiple personalities. They capture the other half.

Making a drastic life altering decision lacking literally greener grass at the end of the day is just change. Every day we choose to be happy or not. Some days the clouds just take a little longer to burn off.

Regret trumps fear. The score doesn't matter when they're on the same team.

Who knows if it could have, should have or would have. What's that line, Forget the could haves and should haves. If they could have or should have, they would have.

It's the have tugging at my heart and crawling through my stomach.

How do you wish for something to make you stay with two feet out the door.