The Chase

Last night one of my friends, scratch that, sister is the proper word to describe our relation, caught me by surprise at the gym. Monday nights are for football, cue Faith. Monday nights are for running on the treadmill while watching Monday Night Football. Oh, the simple joys of life. So, as I was watching Mr. Brees lead the Saints over the Giants-despite their lack of defense (but that's a whole other subject matter)- I hopped back on next to my sis. We trotted along at 6mph and talked about my dramatic life.

No surprise to her I talked about hitting the books again. "Stop it. That's stupid. Go to law school." Verbatim. Ya, ya, ya. I know, I know. Stop looking at other options. Stop trying to justify choosing nutrition, psychology or even yes, human resources. What I want is to help people. Help people help other people. Someone help me, help!

You see, fate has been playing tricks on me lately. I'm a bartender. I like bartending. Honestly. True, it is far from what I have invested in, but I need to work. I go crazy when I have free time. A preacher, or a retracted preacher, friend of mine tried to mind analyze me once. His brilliance concluded I have issues, therefore I need to consume my life with others so I'm not forced to feed my own needs. Pure genius. Problem, eight years and counting, sans solution. Only my inept craving to help others. This fire shouldn't be put out. What is wrong with wanting to aid others in their quests to kick cancer in the a*@, fight obesity, feed and nourish those lacking, etc....?

Well, lets kill two birds with one stone. Trouble is, fate won't leave me alone. There's also my parents and sister hoping to turn their two cents into a dollar on a daily basis. Apparently a better half will make all my troubles go away. I find it hard to believe a member of the opposite sex labeling themselves as one with my issues and desires will ever end societies view on pharmaceuticals, but fate keeps chucking darts on the bulls-eye I am the only one who can't see on my forehead.

Fine. I give in. For once in my life, I am chasing. Relax. I'm still running. The bane of my existence, I'm sure. I'm a rubber-band; running one way, chasing another. Ya, this is working well.

The past week, I've met two significant individuals who can further my career, received a possible job offer in Orange County and landed a job interview with a company whose sole purpose is to help people help people. Hello. Conclusion: keep running. So what do I do......act like a third grader and pass a note acting out a George Strait song. Perfect.

Where are you now FATE.

I ran today. So outside of the box, I know. Something about watching Around The Horn keeps me going. And going. And going. I was once described as the Energizer Bunny. Shout out to Barry's Bootcamp......oh how I miss thee and the California hills. If only everything in life came to me so easily. In the mere moments of truly stepping outside of my box, I was reminded just how shy men can be. Thank God. It's not just me.

However. I have a huge problem with this recognition. Trust me, I am trying to show empathy. It is taking every bone in my body, even the ones I should ice daily, to not be down-right cold. Seriously, men are suppose to be the chasers. Yes, I sometimes feel I should've been born in the flapper era. This opinion is not solely mine. It is believed by many that men should ask women out. Some even go as far as labeling females in a derogatory fashion if they pursue. Lets save double standards for another night.

Back to the juicy stuff....if I hear one more time from a third party that this guy "is always asking about you" I may force to become bulimic. And I simply can't make myself hurl. Despite numerous attempts while hugging the porcelain God. Great! Someone give this guy a cookie. (Side note, I now am obsessed with baking.)

What is telling everyone but me going to do?

You can't get what you don't ask for. I should take my own advice. Refer to paragraph one....

Fate

I've been told I have commitment issues. Shocking. I'm a runner. I run. This opinion however, lately may just be turning into a fact. Recently I have started to analyze, okay over-analyze, the choices I've made, and continue to make, when it comes to the opposite sex. Maybe it was the move BACK across the country. Maybe it's the date on my birth certificate. Maybe the sight of all my close friends in their white dresses, Facebook profile pictures no longer of them, but their babies, donning new bling on a certain special finger has finally hit me.....

Then again, maybe I'm just bored.

Either way, last night fate left a mark. First, I must divulge a little background. To know me is to know I heart New York City. I'm obsessed with NYC. I spent a few months in the city that never sleeps when I was 20. The best time of my life. Best, is far from the proper word to describe my brief stint. I am one to not regret. You live, you f@*k up, you learn. Sometimes history repeats itself. You move on. But, I'd be lying to say the thought

"I should've stayed in New York"

hasn't crossed my mind on more than one occasion. This voice in my head is dealing with a scratchy throat today. I don't even know his name. Our fates crossed, probably to stir up this previously muffled voice, but a loft in SoHo, a chocolate Lab, Christmas cards, photo albums, dinners, vacations....our life danced in mind. While I was in the city I lived at 302 92nd St. He lives at 307 92nd St. We talked about the streets we walked through. The restaurants we love. The bars we sat at. I couldn't help but think, if I would've stayed....

Would we have met? Where would we be know?

Now, I am a firm believer in the choices we make make us who we are today.

"Everything happens for a reason"

should be tattooed on my forehead. There are no such thing as coincidences. What we do with the feelings we get is up to us. Great. So after years of doing everything possible to be in control, I'm beginning to believe in fate. I just hope it's not too late.

FATE: the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events.

Smiling Hills

Anyone who was watching me run today at the gym most likely thought I was crazy. Running on the treadmill is not my favorite place to rack up the miles, but today I smiled the entire 4.5 miles. Hills, sprints and all. So for those who didn't think I was already in my own music engulfed world while spending my afternoon at my home-away-from home, today I cemented this point in stone. I go to the gym to workout. Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" comes to mind.....hey what do you want from me while I'm dripping sweat, pushing myself to the limits.

For those who know me, they know I like to run. Well, ok, I'm obsessed with running. I run for me. I train to go faster, longer and keep from injury. I will run when I'm 90. I run because I can. I run because it's the only time it's just me in my head. No one else is there telling who to be, what to say, where to go, weighing me down. When I'm done, I'm more me than when I began.

If only life were one long run. Maybe I'd be able to say the things I really want to say, do the things I really want to do and never contemplate how my actions will be portrayed. At the end of the day, the only person I have to sleep with is me. I may not be alone in bed, but my mind keeps me awake.

Living

So I'm a big advocate for doing. Enough with the talking about it and just get on with it. Simply, if you want something go after it, say what you mean, never hold back.....you only live once and all that jazz. Well, it's about that time I took my own advice. Why is it so hard for some of us to be so upfront in parts of our lives, but so shy and passive in others. Let me try to answer the voices in my head. Fear. Total and utter, breathtaking, heart pounding, gut wrenching fear.
I'm starting to shake as we speak.

I like to think I have control over my life. I'm blessed with the opportunity to actually do the things I want to when I want to. Now, don't get me wrong, I have yet to find that perfect job, possibly even my calling, I do not have millions in the bank nor am I anywhere near starting a family of my own. Yes, I do want these things. I am actively trying to land a job where at the time being I feel passionately about. That's another thing all together, passion. I do not need a lot of money, but I need that daily dose of feeling, living, being. There I go again, preaching, yet failing to take fear by the horns.

I have spoken to those few people in my life who I feel can assist in breaking down this wall. In the back of my mind I can't help but thinking they are members of the same group; preachers. There it is again, it's so easy to talk the talk.

A friend of mine was taken away from us way to soon a few months ago. Every morning when I rise I slip her name around my wrist to never forget just how fragile life can be. It is as if she is screaming at the top of her lungs....

"WHY WAIT!! LIVE TODAY!! NOW, NAT....NOW!!"

....before it's too late.

I watched a movie the other night that seemed to follow this theme song playing in my head. There are many things we can control in our lives. I like these things. But, there are also things that are just out of our reach. The feeling we get when we're caught by surprise, the time we have on this earth, the people who seem to have grabbed onto our hearts....In the back of my mind, well in the front now, I know it's just fear.

Fear is for the weak.

A dear friend of mine described me as a person who is "radiant and energetic as the sun, delicate and full of life as the earth and a dying breed". This person would not let fear control them. If only I could be this person.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

In Season

Isn't it strange how there are those who come in to and go out of our lives? It's almost as consistent as history repeating itself. Those I speak of may stay awhile blessing us each and everyday, or blow in from time to time, only exchanging random thoughts as often as there is a full moon, lingering in the back of our minds, never quite giving up. Then, comes along newbies. Those who cross our paths doing wonders for our dreams, desires and just plain mentality. I am not alone. Everyone has all these types of people in, and out of, our lives.

The problem is, we may be so focused on everything that is oh so wrong, that we don't take the time to realize how wonderful our lives are because of all these people. I am blessed with all kinds. Mentors, guardian angels, sisters, acquaintances, teachers, listeners and those who do wonders for my self-esteem. I may not know the reasons why these people are the way they are, but I will continue to ream the benefits of their presence. All of these relationships make me who I am today. Forever touched, even if from one simple gaze.

So what if I am not employed in the field I've spent countless hours immersing myself in. So what, if I ventured across the country for a little while to only return to where I departed. So what if my hair turns gray and my eyes crinkle around the edges. So what if when I look in the mirror I am bombarded with imperfections. So what if I am not sure where I will be tomorrow, unsure if the dreams I have spent my time on will come true. I know those people will come in my life, and go out, just in time to keep me afloat.

I will continue to learn, continue to grow, continue to dream. My in-box delivers a word-of-the-day each morning. Today it read, tenacious. The meaning, Natalie.

Funky Coma

It's been awhile. Well, let's just stick to the it's been awhile since I've blogged. The other activities I have also failed to routinely participate in is a whole other story.

Not sure what the reason is, but lately I've been comatosed. I can't quite get a grip on what is happening in the world of Natalie. This is me not complaining. I repeated this daily, "I am blessed in so many ways." Apparently my mind has become immune to this mantra.

Maybe it's the summer air looming. It is possible my mind and body have not yet gotten use to the seasons. One can get pretty spoiled in a California state of mind. This funk is getting me absolutely no where. Still, I can't help but feel there is a piece of me missing. Like someone came by and licked the filling out of my Oreo, stuck it back together and gave it back to me. Repeatedly.

This constant void of obligations leaves much too much time for my mind to ponder. I don't want to think anymore. A friend of mine once told me staying busy only left me unable to truly think about life and the true importanties. Pig-posh. I told him, I know what is important. Well, turns out he was not only older, but wiser. Hate it when that happens.

Now I trapped in this seemingly never-ending wormhole of thoughtfulness. Sh%t, what did I think was so important again......