This topic seems to fill my dreams and pour into my days recently. We spend so much time we insist we don't have adding distractions to our to-do lists while not living at all. It takes strength to live simply. It takes courage to love with a vulnerability. It takes mindfulness to discover ourselves.
I stopped wearing mascara, took my first yoga class, watched a baby sleep for hours, sat with a neighbor an entire afternoon, did an underwater hand stand, and told everyone I loved them without fear....
Ok, so I tried to go to my first yoga class. I want to love the calm, I want to scream how incredible I feel since I traded in my new balances for a bathing suit- or 5. Thank you Target. Then it hit me....why do I want to love something I just don't. The problem isn't the problem, the problem is the way you think about the problem. Thank you Johnny Depp. So let it go. Surround yourself with the shit that makes your soul spontaneously erupt because its finally allowed to unveil itself. To you. Those who can see its beauty will come. Patience is a virtue right.
Bust the lock to the cage of questions clouding the sun beams seeking answers to convince some other mind we've got it all figured out. I don't want to be governed by alarm clocks, zeros in my bank account, miles left until empty, numbers on the scale or the best hue for my skin tone suggestions. What if I want red to be the new black or sprinting to be the new strong.
What if I don't want to be the strong chaotically wandering independent woman anymore. Plot twist. End scene. Hell, whole new script.
I want to unravel, unmatch, unconfirm, cancel reservations and sporadically roam with wild berries staining my toes, the wind kissing my freckled neck, sweat dripping off my chest because you've pushed me to that edge, showering in salt water until the moonlight runs out. I want more of less. I want to take you with me to bring me back just before I've lost my head. I want to lay with the flowers screaming deliciously to the angels to sing louder because there are so many who can't hear their simplistic symphony. I want to quench that stomach roaring thirst and then do it all again.
For now. For today. For this moment. Maybe new moments are filled with corporate ladders and entrance exams. Being in this moment is enough. Nothing is enough.
Learning has always been a part of my day. I'd rather read a book, sit at the library, research something from a different era or speak with a wise man than mingle about happy hours. That martini may be Bond worthy, but unfolding a black and white releasing images flutter for lifetimes.
It takes a willingness to be mindful, to practice real compassion, to think outside of the box, to breathe into your core, to discover that you too are worth some compassion. I hate to break it to you, but the clique of the decade is false. You live everyday, you only die once.
The thing that matters is different for us all. It changes as we change, as we grow as we realize that the dogma has clothed us somewhere along the way, deviously masked in warmth and colors to comfort and muffle voices, the voices- or lack there of, that matter. Ours.
So if following the crowd is making you happy, well by all means proceed. If you are waking up every morning slowly repeating mantras of happy thoughts, knowing wonderful things will flood your day and a smile is a give-in, take a moment to dust it off.
But, be real. Take a moment to ponder the moment you're in. Ask yourself, alone in a quiet room away from facebook, instagram and tweets, is this is the life you want. If the "what ifs" out number the daily agenda, its time. Own your crazy. Don't take the quotes that fill your bathroom mirror, diary, pinterst board, living room wall for cute little sayings that you just love. Actually live by them. Whatever it is that matters, let it matter. Do you truly know what matters....
We can learn so much about ourselves from these moments. We can learn how we deal with adversity, how we love, how we think, how we feel, how we truly see the world, and who we really are.
You don't even have to say it out loud, no one needs to know. No one needs to accept it. No one needs to follow you down this road. Quietly go about it at your pace until one day they turn to you and say, "How do you do it? How do you always make me smile?". Truth is, you may not know you have that much power. The happiness will ooze from your happy soul inspiring all who cross your mattered path.
When your thoughts wander, follow them. When your body speaks, listen closely. At some point, you will feel the magic and know it is time to make a commitment to the irresistible insanity.
So, are you willing to loose it all for the one thing that matters? You.
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