Act like a Lady, Think like a Man

Men made me this way. The title of the book topping the New York Times bestseller list shortly. Well, some time in the future. Oh, men. Oh, man. It is a shame this title leads to the perception that men have the ability to make anyone the way they are in their current mental state. Sad. Just sad.

Let's take a scientific perspective on this subject. One of, if not the, oldest debate amongst those who study the mind is the nature verse nurture debate. John Locke backs the notion the mind starts as a clean slate. Everything that we are and all of our knowledge is determined by our experience. Therefore, no amount of nature determines how our mind intellectualizes. Plato however believes certain things are inborn, and therefore no amount of experience can change the way our mind interprets these daily interactions. Nonsense.

So, according to the master of the stars, it is inevitable. The droves of males creeping in and out of my life have had no role in how I view myself, committment and men who, shall I say, dare to enter and commitment all together. Ya, okay. I refuse to believe the way my mind operates cannot be altered. Thanks, Plato, but if you're correct, I'm screwed. And, I solely hold the keys.

Season of Giving

The holidays are upon us. Spirits are jolly, chefs are baking, the night is lite, stereo bells are ringing....the attitude surrounding the holiday season is disturbing. Why wait for snow to fall, proverbial birthdays or stampeding sales to alter life outlooks? Tinker Bell had the right idea. Think happy thoughts. Always.

It has been proven, smiling is contagious. It takes less muscles to form a smile than a frown. Americans like to take the easy road. So smile people, it's easier. Promise. For those of you who know me, I'm not a promise maker. The notion of putting your word to action is far more memorable. Picture me smiling. People will always remember the way you made them feel. Make someone feel good right now, not just the months that end the calender.

Strangers cause waves. They have the potential to turn a day around, tick you the hell off, bring you to tears or remain with you forever. People come in to our lives for many different reasons. They may stay in our faces, linger in our minds or pop up with just a scent. Every person you've ever met is there.....remaining. Who are you in their minds?

The Chase

Last night one of my friends, scratch that, sister is the proper word to describe our relation, caught me by surprise at the gym. Monday nights are for football, cue Faith. Monday nights are for running on the treadmill while watching Monday Night Football. Oh, the simple joys of life. So, as I was watching Mr. Brees lead the Saints over the Giants-despite their lack of defense (but that's a whole other subject matter)- I hopped back on next to my sis. We trotted along at 6mph and talked about my dramatic life.

No surprise to her I talked about hitting the books again. "Stop it. That's stupid. Go to law school." Verbatim. Ya, ya, ya. I know, I know. Stop looking at other options. Stop trying to justify choosing nutrition, psychology or even yes, human resources. What I want is to help people. Help people help other people. Someone help me, help!

You see, fate has been playing tricks on me lately. I'm a bartender. I like bartending. Honestly. True, it is far from what I have invested in, but I need to work. I go crazy when I have free time. A preacher, or a retracted preacher, friend of mine tried to mind analyze me once. His brilliance concluded I have issues, therefore I need to consume my life with others so I'm not forced to feed my own needs. Pure genius. Problem, eight years and counting, sans solution. Only my inept craving to help others. This fire shouldn't be put out. What is wrong with wanting to aid others in their quests to kick cancer in the a*@, fight obesity, feed and nourish those lacking, etc....?

Well, lets kill two birds with one stone. Trouble is, fate won't leave me alone. There's also my parents and sister hoping to turn their two cents into a dollar on a daily basis. Apparently a better half will make all my troubles go away. I find it hard to believe a member of the opposite sex labeling themselves as one with my issues and desires will ever end societies view on pharmaceuticals, but fate keeps chucking darts on the bulls-eye I am the only one who can't see on my forehead.

Fine. I give in. For once in my life, I am chasing. Relax. I'm still running. The bane of my existence, I'm sure. I'm a rubber-band; running one way, chasing another. Ya, this is working well.

The past week, I've met two significant individuals who can further my career, received a possible job offer in Orange County and landed a job interview with a company whose sole purpose is to help people help people. Hello. Conclusion: keep running. So what do I do......act like a third grader and pass a note acting out a George Strait song. Perfect.

Where are you now FATE.

I ran today. So outside of the box, I know. Something about watching Around The Horn keeps me going. And going. And going. I was once described as the Energizer Bunny. Shout out to Barry's Bootcamp......oh how I miss thee and the California hills. If only everything in life came to me so easily. In the mere moments of truly stepping outside of my box, I was reminded just how shy men can be. Thank God. It's not just me.

However. I have a huge problem with this recognition. Trust me, I am trying to show empathy. It is taking every bone in my body, even the ones I should ice daily, to not be down-right cold. Seriously, men are suppose to be the chasers. Yes, I sometimes feel I should've been born in the flapper era. This opinion is not solely mine. It is believed by many that men should ask women out. Some even go as far as labeling females in a derogatory fashion if they pursue. Lets save double standards for another night.

Back to the juicy stuff....if I hear one more time from a third party that this guy "is always asking about you" I may force to become bulimic. And I simply can't make myself hurl. Despite numerous attempts while hugging the porcelain God. Great! Someone give this guy a cookie. (Side note, I now am obsessed with baking.)

What is telling everyone but me going to do?

You can't get what you don't ask for. I should take my own advice. Refer to paragraph one....

Fate

I've been told I have commitment issues. Shocking. I'm a runner. I run. This opinion however, lately may just be turning into a fact. Recently I have started to analyze, okay over-analyze, the choices I've made, and continue to make, when it comes to the opposite sex. Maybe it was the move BACK across the country. Maybe it's the date on my birth certificate. Maybe the sight of all my close friends in their white dresses, Facebook profile pictures no longer of them, but their babies, donning new bling on a certain special finger has finally hit me.....

Then again, maybe I'm just bored.

Either way, last night fate left a mark. First, I must divulge a little background. To know me is to know I heart New York City. I'm obsessed with NYC. I spent a few months in the city that never sleeps when I was 20. The best time of my life. Best, is far from the proper word to describe my brief stint. I am one to not regret. You live, you f@*k up, you learn. Sometimes history repeats itself. You move on. But, I'd be lying to say the thought

"I should've stayed in New York"

hasn't crossed my mind on more than one occasion. This voice in my head is dealing with a scratchy throat today. I don't even know his name. Our fates crossed, probably to stir up this previously muffled voice, but a loft in SoHo, a chocolate Lab, Christmas cards, photo albums, dinners, vacations....our life danced in mind. While I was in the city I lived at 302 92nd St. He lives at 307 92nd St. We talked about the streets we walked through. The restaurants we love. The bars we sat at. I couldn't help but think, if I would've stayed....

Would we have met? Where would we be know?

Now, I am a firm believer in the choices we make make us who we are today.

"Everything happens for a reason"

should be tattooed on my forehead. There are no such thing as coincidences. What we do with the feelings we get is up to us. Great. So after years of doing everything possible to be in control, I'm beginning to believe in fate. I just hope it's not too late.

FATE: the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events.

Smiling Hills

Anyone who was watching me run today at the gym most likely thought I was crazy. Running on the treadmill is not my favorite place to rack up the miles, but today I smiled the entire 4.5 miles. Hills, sprints and all. So for those who didn't think I was already in my own music engulfed world while spending my afternoon at my home-away-from home, today I cemented this point in stone. I go to the gym to workout. Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" comes to mind.....hey what do you want from me while I'm dripping sweat, pushing myself to the limits.

For those who know me, they know I like to run. Well, ok, I'm obsessed with running. I run for me. I train to go faster, longer and keep from injury. I will run when I'm 90. I run because I can. I run because it's the only time it's just me in my head. No one else is there telling who to be, what to say, where to go, weighing me down. When I'm done, I'm more me than when I began.

If only life were one long run. Maybe I'd be able to say the things I really want to say, do the things I really want to do and never contemplate how my actions will be portrayed. At the end of the day, the only person I have to sleep with is me. I may not be alone in bed, but my mind keeps me awake.

Living

So I'm a big advocate for doing. Enough with the talking about it and just get on with it. Simply, if you want something go after it, say what you mean, never hold back.....you only live once and all that jazz. Well, it's about that time I took my own advice. Why is it so hard for some of us to be so upfront in parts of our lives, but so shy and passive in others. Let me try to answer the voices in my head. Fear. Total and utter, breathtaking, heart pounding, gut wrenching fear.
I'm starting to shake as we speak.

I like to think I have control over my life. I'm blessed with the opportunity to actually do the things I want to when I want to. Now, don't get me wrong, I have yet to find that perfect job, possibly even my calling, I do not have millions in the bank nor am I anywhere near starting a family of my own. Yes, I do want these things. I am actively trying to land a job where at the time being I feel passionately about. That's another thing all together, passion. I do not need a lot of money, but I need that daily dose of feeling, living, being. There I go again, preaching, yet failing to take fear by the horns.

I have spoken to those few people in my life who I feel can assist in breaking down this wall. In the back of my mind I can't help but thinking they are members of the same group; preachers. There it is again, it's so easy to talk the talk.

A friend of mine was taken away from us way to soon a few months ago. Every morning when I rise I slip her name around my wrist to never forget just how fragile life can be. It is as if she is screaming at the top of her lungs....

"WHY WAIT!! LIVE TODAY!! NOW, NAT....NOW!!"

....before it's too late.

I watched a movie the other night that seemed to follow this theme song playing in my head. There are many things we can control in our lives. I like these things. But, there are also things that are just out of our reach. The feeling we get when we're caught by surprise, the time we have on this earth, the people who seem to have grabbed onto our hearts....In the back of my mind, well in the front now, I know it's just fear.

Fear is for the weak.

A dear friend of mine described me as a person who is "radiant and energetic as the sun, delicate and full of life as the earth and a dying breed". This person would not let fear control them. If only I could be this person.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

In Season

Isn't it strange how there are those who come in to and go out of our lives? It's almost as consistent as history repeating itself. Those I speak of may stay awhile blessing us each and everyday, or blow in from time to time, only exchanging random thoughts as often as there is a full moon, lingering in the back of our minds, never quite giving up. Then, comes along newbies. Those who cross our paths doing wonders for our dreams, desires and just plain mentality. I am not alone. Everyone has all these types of people in, and out of, our lives.

The problem is, we may be so focused on everything that is oh so wrong, that we don't take the time to realize how wonderful our lives are because of all these people. I am blessed with all kinds. Mentors, guardian angels, sisters, acquaintances, teachers, listeners and those who do wonders for my self-esteem. I may not know the reasons why these people are the way they are, but I will continue to ream the benefits of their presence. All of these relationships make me who I am today. Forever touched, even if from one simple gaze.

So what if I am not employed in the field I've spent countless hours immersing myself in. So what, if I ventured across the country for a little while to only return to where I departed. So what if my hair turns gray and my eyes crinkle around the edges. So what if when I look in the mirror I am bombarded with imperfections. So what if I am not sure where I will be tomorrow, unsure if the dreams I have spent my time on will come true. I know those people will come in my life, and go out, just in time to keep me afloat.

I will continue to learn, continue to grow, continue to dream. My in-box delivers a word-of-the-day each morning. Today it read, tenacious. The meaning, Natalie.

Funky Coma

It's been awhile. Well, let's just stick to the it's been awhile since I've blogged. The other activities I have also failed to routinely participate in is a whole other story.

Not sure what the reason is, but lately I've been comatosed. I can't quite get a grip on what is happening in the world of Natalie. This is me not complaining. I repeated this daily, "I am blessed in so many ways." Apparently my mind has become immune to this mantra.

Maybe it's the summer air looming. It is possible my mind and body have not yet gotten use to the seasons. One can get pretty spoiled in a California state of mind. This funk is getting me absolutely no where. Still, I can't help but feel there is a piece of me missing. Like someone came by and licked the filling out of my Oreo, stuck it back together and gave it back to me. Repeatedly.

This constant void of obligations leaves much too much time for my mind to ponder. I don't want to think anymore. A friend of mine once told me staying busy only left me unable to truly think about life and the true importanties. Pig-posh. I told him, I know what is important. Well, turns out he was not only older, but wiser. Hate it when that happens.

Now I trapped in this seemingly never-ending wormhole of thoughtfulness. Sh%t, what did I think was so important again......

Lunch and What Not

I had lunch with a two wonderful individuals the other day. One I've had the pleasure to get to know over the past few months, and one whom I had just met 5 minutes before. It wasn't me sitting at that table. In the corner, one of not so many females, surrounded by suits. I like the suits.

It's in my blood. The closed toe, blackberry dependent, high rise hustler. I crave the energy of the diversified. Ask me to get the job done, and I'll do it. The dilemma is being asked. The problem is maybe I'm just being too easy. Why wait for permission. I know what I want. Now, sitting in the corner, I just need to go get it. I've always been a player, now in this climate, it's time for me to choose the game.

This lunch sandwiched between two friends sent a clear message. Start to read between the lines, then write the next page. The gentleman who preferred his tea iced welcomed me into this regiment. Although glancing down to hit a few bottoms every so often, he ignorantly paved the way for my future. The man to my left, always a cheerleader, bantered back and forth. There I sat seeing green, waiting for the moment my mind would catch up with my mouth. I knew exactly what to say. The words were stuck in another time zone.

I know exactly what I am capable of, I know exactly where I want to be, I know exactly who I want to encounter along the way. Sure I welcome surpises along the way. This is what keeps life intersting. Having been smeared with the dilemma, surprise one has been ruined. Time to wake up Natalie. Rule number one: remember to speak the words in your mind at every moment along the way. You never know who you are going to be having lunch with.

Single and Loving It....Really?

Sex & the City. As a female living in the United States, well let's be real, ANYWHERE in the world, you know just what the meaning behind those four little words is. The trouble is we all want to be one of those characters. Woman everywhere quietly in their minds have chosen a part to play. Well, except for those Samanthas.




I can't help but sit here wondering is this normal to want to be one of those iconic women?

I myself an a single gal. Surrounded by friends tying the knot, each time loosing a little piece of myself. One relationship dies as another evolves. I'm stuck as a caterpillar. Each time a friend marries, the cocoon gets thicker. Honestly, I couldn't be more happier for these wonderful woman. It's hard to be a girl in this century. Finding others to call actual friends is like winning the lottery. You get my point. So, it's only natural that I feel empty inside as I watch these friends transform before my eyes. Literally. Something old, something borrowed and something blue. They've already found something new.

Trouble is I don't have three other women to walk side-by-side down Madison Avenue in the same point in their life as I. This would make me feel better. Obviously. It's hard enough being 28 and single, imagine being 28, single, and seemingly the last women standing. Is it a sign that my best friends, those I've known forever, have crossed over to the dark side.

I close my eyes and see a future that terrifies me. Alone, well other than those cats, and too many years have passed since I felt a connection. Married people stick together, single girls in this century feed off of other single girls ability to mask their loneliness. Come on, your lying when you say "Oh, its great to be single. I'm loving my freedom." Bullshit. It's natural to crave affection. It's natural to want that person to tell what amazing thing just happened, that stupid thing your boss did or how some dumbass just cut you off. Moments that should be shared, are supposed to be shared. As a I get older, its harder and harder to be okay with not having someone to tell these things to anymore. God only knows what I would do without my Mom or my Sister. These are my something new, best friends.

If I just had those three other successful, beautiful, talented women in my life to meet me on every Sunday for brunch, I may be alright for a few more years of this. The thing is, in the real world, these women are already taken.

Are you lying to yourself by claiming to be single and loving it!?

Everyday Choices

When we get out of bed in the morning, we all have a choice. Well, many choices to make throughout this new day we've been granted. Arguably one of, it not the most, important decision of the day is how we will face the day, emotionally.

To be happy or to be sad?

I am a firm believer this choice is one we have complete control over. There is no magic wand, or pill, to wave, swallow or inject to make the road to "finding happiness" sans potholes. Still, this variable happiness is a time honored question asked of all of us, well since we can remember. The quest for happiness in turn haunts us all. Alternatives to the underlying answer are easy to acquire. Vices, addictions, constant forms of mind filling gibberish mask the voices in our heads.

How do I truly be happy?

Insert the fascination with love. The societal predetermined path we all shall systemically follow. Attend 12 years of updated lacking school system, graduate with honors or parish, apply to continue the history laden education process, find love, get a job, walk down the aisle and procreate. Sway from this path, be warned. Our lives are on a time line, predestined to adhere to those, whoever they are, inked.

So, is this the road to happiness? There are thousands of well off path wanderers who claim to know the answer or at the vary least help you believe. Pop another pill, this one is ok. Talk it out. Loose a few. Have a baby. Make millions. Take a look, then all together now..... Is it what I want?

Has the path so traveled brought you to a place not inline with that time line? So what. Why should this make anyone unhappy? You are the only person you wake up to in the morning. The person next to you, even if forever vowed, has a mind of their own as well. We all choose to be happy. Every emotion is a state of mind. If sunshine makes you smile, soak it in. If you want to smile all day, please do. The natural states we allow our bodies to dwell in, are just that- natural.

Ever wonder why it takes more of an effort to frown than smile? Why would the sun be there if not to cause warmth? The manufactured remedies to unhappiness are what make the time line non erasable. Be you, truly you. Unaltered, au natural. Release the mind junk, the voices in your head. Just be. The person next to you, the happy pill, the extra slice or the one of a kind car all fade. The pill dissolves, the engine dies, the taste fades and that person also has countless choices.

No one, nothing can make you happy but you.

Choice happiness, maybe then the path will have side streets.